driving

Dream Passenger

/ Beth Weaver-Kreider / Leave a comment

In last night’s dream, a woman commandeered my car to drive somewhere way out into Nowheresville. This is the second time in two weeks that I’ve had a dream about someone taking over the wheel of my car so they could drive to their destination out in the middle of nowhere. It’s not a carjacking, because they fully intended in both cases to get out and leave my car to me when we reached our destination, but still, it’s uncomfortable to me to find myself a passenger in my own car. 

In the dream, a woman motions me into a parking lot at a convenience store, and I pull in, sort of catty-cornered, so I can hear her question. She starts talking even before I get the window open, asking me if I know the way to Lizard Point.

She has a sort of shopping cart filled with all sorts of things, including a baby seat with a baby climbing out of it. She just opens the door of my car and starts putting the baby seat into the back seat, so I grab the baby who is sweet and cooing, and I clean up the vomit baby has spit up all over itself. Before I know it, the woman is in the car getting ready to back out of the parking lot on the way to Lizard Point. 

I don’t remember the trip in the dream, but when we get to the building where she wanted to go, while the woman unloads her things, I go to get the baby out of the car seat. The baby has thrown up all over again, this time much worse, and there’s nothing in the car or anywhere to clean up the mess. The baby’s face is ashy white and I’m afraid the child has died or will die. 

At this point lucid brain kicks in, and I realize that I’m in a dream, that this baby is a symbol or metaphor for something instead of a living (dying) child, and that I can pull myself out of the dream so I don’t have to keep experiencing the horror of this image. It’s 3:00 in the morning. 

A note about Lizard Point: this is the name of a geography game that I sometimes play but haven’t for a while. If you like geography, and want to learn more, I recommend it or Seterra. Globle and Worldle (notice the extra L) are also fun. Especially in times like these when there’s lots of news of places around the world, I like that my brain can now see where on a map Ukraine or Yemen or Myanmar is. It helps me feel connected. 

One of my beloveds recently mentioned that they thought I’m a little too deferential, that I don’t speak up enough for what I really want. While I am working on saying things like, “I want,” “I need,” “I desire,” I’m also a Seven on the Enneagram, which means that pretty much anything can make me feel happy and content. So if I say, “Hey, let’s do this!” And you say, “Sure, but what about this instead?” I’m probably going to agree with the thing you suggest because both things will make me happy just being with you is what makes me happy. Still, I do want to take this person’s point seriously, and I wonder at these dreams in which someone commandeers my car, whether there is a message that I need to start saying, “No, I really want to do this.”

These dreams about someone else driving my car might also relate to the fact that we have a driver with a learner’s permit in the family right now. I am now mostly in the passenger seat, so that’s an image my brain would likely latch onto.

I could wake myself up from the horror dream of a dying child, but I wake into a world where children are dying, and it seems that people are too distracted, like the mother in my dream, to notice the constant crisis. And I feel utterly helpless.

Twelvenight: Back to Work

/ Beth Weaver-Kreider / Leave a comment

The work-world isn’t waiting for me to finish my Twelvenight ruminations. School starts again this morning. So my writing may, of necessity, be shorter.

Yesterday, I sort of dismissed my dream as the anxious eruption of school into my sleep-psyche. I set that little echidna to the side in my considerations of meaning. But it kept snuffling into my awareness throughout the morning. It felt odd to me that I would dream such a little-known creature. Josiah and I had read about them last year when he was doing a report on the platypus–echidna and platypus are cousins–but I haven’t thought about them since.

There are all those articles that keep popping up about the massive losses of animal life in the Australian fires. I had been thinking sadly of kangaroos and quokkas and wombats and koalas, but echidnas hadn’t crossed my mind. Why was I dreaming an echidna?

I mentioned the dream on Facebook, and a friend said that he, too, has been having Australia dreams, and I wonder: When the Earth is hurting, do we feel it in our dreams? Are we dreaming our own deep-self messages as well as picking up signals from the Beings around us? It’s a whimsical thought, and perhaps ought to be the organizing concept of a novel or short story, at least. But whether or not it’s a message from Earth herself, it draws my attention to the terrible loss on the other side of the world and gives me another connection to that world that I know so little of.

My friend said that he is planning to try to find the characters in his Australia dreams and ask them to tell him more. So I tried to find my way back to the echidna last night. I saw her just as I was falling asleep. A larger echidna came along and stomped on her neck. I managed to pull the larger one off, and save the little one, but then the dream was over. If that was a further message, it’s pretty traumatic. Sigh.

I have been doing some thinking about echidnas in the last day, how they have a hybrid sensibility to them: mammals who lay eggs, hedgehog/anteater/birds. They’re sort of not quite one thing or another, but wholly themselves. And their back feet seem to be on backwards. They can burrow backward with their powerful hind claws, which face behind them. The echidna is feeling like a perfect animal symbol for me to walk with this coming year. During the past four or five years, the tension has been building for me, the feeling that I am both teacher and writer and not quite either one, really. It’s hard to hold onto these two identities which demand so much of my time and brainwork. Perhaps the echidna is my message that this year is to be one of problem-solving, really figuring out how to be this hybrid creature that I seem to have become.

Last night’s dream: I need to go to Harrisburg for a meeting. I leave at 5:30 in the morning, and I am taking my little blue Festiva. It’s been so long since I have driven it that I can’t seem to adjust the height and angle of the seat and mirrors. I stop at a convenience store for coffee and batteries. I need three AA and three AAA for my Walkman. It’s really hard for me to get help getting what I need. People are busy and distracted.

The meeting is at the convenience store, so I sit down with my styrofoam cup of hot chocolate (where’s the coffee?) while someone is getting my batteries. We talk about the boss, who is corrupt, and is using his position at the store to enrich himself. He loves roller coasters, so he has built a small theme park with several special roller coasters that he can ride. We vote that the woman next to me will write a letter of complaint. The meeting is over, and I start to drive home.

It’s easy to see how several pieces of this are basic anxiety-dream elements. Before I went to bed, I worried that for some reason my watch alarm might not wake me up at 5:30. Do I have everything I need to make it through these two days of school? Can I fit myself back into the driver’s seat? My own particular work bosses are extremely ethical and generous, but the “boss” of my country seems to be enriching himself and satisfying his whims at taxpayer’s expense, and that has occupied a great deal of my mental energy in the past few years.

I seem to need a lot of batteries, and coffee/chocolate, to keep me going. I ought to spend some more time working out how to best use and renew my energy. I ought to be using rechargeable batteries by now, anyway. And where was my reusable mug? I was rushing and anxious, and so I was not managing my resources very well. Slow down and savor, I think I told myself a day or so ago. Slow down and find the resources I need instead of frittering away with non-renewable energy sources. There’s a pretty serious message for someone who walks the borderlands of exhaustion.

Gratitude List:
1. The messages in the most mundane anxiety dreams.
2. Echidnas. What an odd and lovely dream-animal to get to know.
3. I didn’t get it all done, but I got a LOT done, and that’s something.
4. As reluctant as I am to get back to work, I am eager to see my school-people again. They give me energy. I do love being a teacher.
5. This is only a two-day week, after all. I can do two days. In fact, as much as I grumbled about going back today rather than Monday, I think there’s something to be said for starting with a short week.

May we walk in Beauty!