Grumpy: 100 Days (92)

/ Beth Weaver-Kreider / Leave a comment

Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 92:

Oooh. Good thing I did extra work on that self-judgement and self-compassion challenge yesterday. I got a lot of piecing done on the cardigan today, and I am feeling really judgy. It isn’t going to be big enough. I used a construction pattern I have seen everywhere for granny square cardigans, and it’s still too small. This leads to so many layers of self-criticism: about my crocheting, about my planning ability, about my body. I’m trying to sit with those emotions, give them a nod, and then move into problem-solving mode.

I could stop construction, make twenty (or 28?) more granny squares, and then finish the sweater. I could make a vest, using the granny squares I had made for the sleeves as extra rows on the sides. I could add rows and rows of double crochet or granny stitches before I sew up the sides.

I’m inclined to go the vest route for the moment. Then when I have a completed piece I will feel less despondent, and more likely to add sleeves later. I might not finish this in the next eight days, so I will have to figure out how to keep myself motivated for the finish. I think this process has changed me enough that I will be better at completing projects than I was beforehand.

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Self-Compassion: 100 Days (91)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 91:

I’m so motivated to finish this project in the next ten days, but today was full and busy. I haven’t worked at Radiance for quite a while, so it was delightful to spend the day in that wonderful place with those wonderful people.

Afterward, I couldn’t find my car in the parking garage. This is the second time this has happened. It makes me feel incompetent. Both times it has happened, I had checked where the car was when I left it, and then thought I had made a note of the correct level and placement of the car before walking away. This time, I figured out my logic error before I asked for help, but by then I had been walking around the parking garage for half an hour.

I’ve been working really hard lately on breaking my cycles of self-criticism, and then when I arrived early to the restaurant where I was meeting my people for dinner, I sat in the car and did the day’s mindfulness meditation with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield, and it was on self-judgement and self-compassion. Whew. I needed that.

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Stew of Emotions: 100 Days (90)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 90:

The Inspector checked my seams this evening, and pronounced it snuggly. 

There’s such a strange energy to school at this time of year. Everybody—students and teachers—is ready to be done already. Still, I also dread the end, dread saying goodbye to those who won’t be returning. And also, I’m so excited to see this crew of seniors spread their wings and fly. I love spending my days with teenagers. And I look forward to the gentle rhythm of summer, without having to be “on” all day everyday. Such a stew of emotions.

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Grit: 100 Days: (89)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 89:

Feeling a project coming together can be like feeling the pieces of a life coming together, watching how the plans and ideas begin to work together to create the final garment. Sometimes when I am nearing a crucial point of a project, I kind of give up. I get that feeling that it isn’t going to look the way I envisioned, so I get cranky and put it down, hoping I will get the inspiration to make it work another day, and then it gets set on a back burner and ignored. That’s what this 100 Day Project is about for me, pushing through the frustration, or unraveling and starting again. Never too old to learn some grit and resilience.

Speaking of unraveling, “ravel” means “to unravel.”

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Regulating the System: 100 Days (88)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 88:

More slow and steady progress today on the cardigan. It’s hard when I have evening events. Tonight I helped with a Singing Resistance support of community members in York Township urging  their Police Department to reconsider the 287(g) agreement that they entered into with ICE.

It is so easy to get dysregulated when protesting. Singing is one way to strengthen community while regulating our nervous systems. Crocheting is one of the ways I keep my system regulated in these days. Praying the rosary. Grounding every morning. Doing mindfulness meditations. Checking in with my beloveds. I wish you a well-regulated nervous system, and safe, brave spaces to rant and cry, to sing, to plan, to organize, to build community.

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Names: 100 Days (87)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 87:

Most of the directions I have read about how to put together a granny square cardigan suggest putting them together in rows one direction, and then stitching up the perpendicular seams. Today I crocheted one of the two longest sets (14 pairs of squares from end to end).

I think it’s about the length of the black rat snake that slithered through the garage this afternoon as I was going out to help Jon bring in the groceries. I think I will call her Rabia. I’m going to call the jumping spider who lives in the mailbox Tagore. And the Oriole who sings from the top of the sycamore is simply Firebird.

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Habit: 100 Days (86)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 86:

Fewer than fifteen days to go! I’m ready to be done, but I feel as though I’ve developed the habit now. I do have more project ideas, but I am also committed to finishing up, giving away, or dismantling the ones that have been lying around for ages. This summer is going to be projectful!

I started putting squares together this evening, but I was feeling uneasy, worried that I hadn’t taken a good photo of my final layout, concerned that I was going to get them all mixed up, so the cats and I set them up again, and I used some of my cut-off yarns to “baste” it together. This putting together phase may take a while. I’ll shoot for finishing it in the next fourteen days. 

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Sweetness and Steel: 100 Days (85)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 85:

Bring Joy! Bring Whimsy!
Let peace and comfort and tenderness
radiate from within you.
Let Love come into your eyes. And Fierceness, too.
Be Fabulous! Be Ferocious!
Be Sweetness and Steel.
Go into your garden and out into the streets.
Shake things up. And stay calm.
Be a well-regulated earthquake.

I finished the blocking of the squares, laid them out with Thor’s “help,” shuffled them around a bit (taking care for the claws—he thought it was a game), and stacked them and labeled them for putting together. Then I took the four extras and experimented with how I plan to construct them, and put a finishing edge around that in order to practice finishing. I made some hearts and flowers during church. And I mended the dog my grandmother made—Grandma’s squares.

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Earthquakes: 100 Days (84)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 84:

Today I finished the seven I started yesterday. I accidentally got an eighth from a previous day mixed up with the stack. Tomorrow I finish blocking this batch of about thirty, and then I’ll start putting them together.

One of the images I have been working with lately in my magic//spiritual practice/prayers is that of the patriarchy and white supremacy and christian nationalism as structures. Towers and fortresses and cities. And we, who are creating the New Thing, are the Earthquake that will bring those structures to rubble.

So every women’s group (book club, moon circle, coffee klatsch) is a little earthquake. Every support system for queer folks, every community-building experience, every mothering or teaching task, every group using a bartering economy, every fiber arts and make your own club, every act of Resistance—it’s all earthquakes. What are your earthquakes? How are you shaking up the patriarchy? Rattling the white and christian supremacists? Undermining the heteronormative agenda? I want to put my intention into everything I do.

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Fidgeting and Focus: 100 Days (83)

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Tying Up Loose Ends

Day 83:

I’m going to have to buy more black yarn tomorrow. I made seven pieces of squares today, which will all need the black outer layer. I crocheted while keeping an eye on students in the cafeteria during dress rehearsal and the performance for the all school play today. Watching me crochet and playing with some of my yarn scraps kept two of the littlest fidgety ones occupied and focused when they were waiting their turn to go be oompa-loompas on stage.

I set today’s squares around a photo of my family in 1967 in Tanzania (my sister wasn’t born yet), and on the wooden car my dad made for me (a model of the car he owned when he and Mom got married), and a little red box of Grandma Weaver’s recipes.

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