Tangle

Write a Love/Anti-Love Poem.  I am struggling with my lack of love for the purveyors of violent and xenophobic rhetoric, so that’s where I went today.

To practice lovingkindness
includes that tiny word
that stops me up every time.
Most, perhaps.
But all?

I can love the tangerine sunset
glowing upward onto aquamarine cloud.
I can love the orange orb as it falls
below the hills to my west,
and its ghostly echo the moon,
sailing behind a bank of gray to east.
The curling wisteria I can love,
and the earnest eyes of the fox kit.
My heart reaches upward, fiercely loving
the starlings in their whirling dance.

But so many layers lie between me
and love for the leering buffoon.
See, the language, even,
has to peel away,
and then anxiety’s rising tide
that eats away at the beach
of compassion.

Turn the next page, and everything
is colored by impotent rage.
How can I cast the line out of this tangle?

Fierce Compassion

I have been trying to figure out how, in the midst of my rages and furies, to find compassion, holding it all in the bowl of the heart.  That is my primary practice.

But now, I think that the work moves forward to a discipline more grammatical–in which order shall I place my adjectives and my nouns, my adverbs, my verbs?  It makes a difference, see:

Shall I be a keeper of a grave grace?  Or shall I practice grace within my gravity?  Shall I continue to seek for compassion in my rage and my anger?  Or shall I actively practice fierce compassion?

How will that look when I walk into a story in which I see harm being done? Sharing compassion fiercely rather than sharing anger compassionately?  Being gravely graceful rather than being gracefully grave?  The order matters, and it will happen differently in different situations, I think.

My story keeps beginning again.

(Thanks to The Story for the “Grace in Gravity” reference and to my friend Lisa Walker LeFevre for opening my heart to the phrase “fierce compassion.)

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Tree spirit.  (Photographed with a mirroring app.)

Gratitude List:
1. Fierce compassion.
2. Butterflies everywhere.  They belongs on the list again and again and again.
3. Milo Zen Puppy.  I haven’t written a gratitude list since I met him a couple days ago, and he is likely the cutest person to ever walk on four legs.  Really.  This is not hyperbole.
4. Radiance.  I mean the shop this time–it was such a pleasure to be there again, in the scents and the colors and all of it.  Seeing Sarah again.  Touching all the stones.  Coming home smelling like Radiance.
5. Radiance.  Yours, this time.  Yours and yours and yours. You shine.  You help me want to keep growing and being a better person.  You push me toward Love.

May we walk in Love.

Lego Factory Explosion

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“I believe that appreciation is a holy thing–that when we look for what’s best in a person we happen to be with at the moment, we’re doing what God does all the time.  So in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we’re participating in something sacred.”  ~~ Fred Rogers

In this story, there are two boys.  Their Mama’s cousin came for a visit one day, and while she was there, she listened to them and she watched them and she noticed them.  Not in that overwhelming way that some of us do sometimes, that actually draws more attention to the adult and makes the child anxious, but quietly and thoughtfully.  Just aware of who they are.

The next week, when she had gone home, two boxes arrived in the mail, addressed to the boys.  The cousin was giving them her old Lego blocks.  Gearhead Boy received a special bagful of gears in his box, and Racecar Boy received racecars in his (“Look!  You can make them crash together, and they come apart!  And then you just put them back together again!)  They felt noticed and known.

Isn’t that really what our Work is about?  We’re here to notice each other, to let each other know that we see who they are.  Sometimes it’s just a raise of the eyebrows in the middle of a conversation, and you know that person gets you, sees you.  Sometimes it happens when someone asks you just the right question at the right moment, totally heart-open to listen to your truth.  Sometimes it occur when someone says, “You have been working so hard at that task.  That must be really important to you.”

In some Christian practices, people seek the Christ in each other, look for the living Incarnation of the Divine in those around them.  Wouldn’t healing seep into all our crevices if we watched for the beauty and truth of the Great Mystery in each person we met?  How might our perspectives on each other shift?  How might our world change?

Gratitude List:
1. The Village.  Noticing.  Loving.  Healing.
2. Corn on the cob
3.  Summer Storm
4.  Green beans
5.  Pie R Shared.  It is all gone now, but it helped to create the circle as completely as any equation.  Pie R Best Shared.

May we Walk in Beauty!  So much love, People!  So much love.

More from the Monastery

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Gratitude List:
1. Those clouds after the storm.  Everything glowed golden.
2. Veggie quiche.  I can’t believe how those boys ate!
3. Playing Pokemon with Ellis.  Yes, I bought myownself a deck. He wins more than I do.
4. Getting more sleep.  My body lets me sleep until 6:30 now.
5. This circle.  You and you and you and me and you and you.

May we walk in Beauty!

Here are some more things that I wrote at the Monastery:
6-15-15, Wernersville Jesuit Center

When I left the beech tree, I thought I would go sit on a bench beside a cobbled patio to put on my sandals, then find the labyrinth on my map.  The patio turned out to be the labyrinth.

Thinking about the animals that have come to my visions this year.  Lynx came to me at the year’s turning.  Macaw dropped me a feather.  Lioness and jaguar have both been reaching me in dreams and waking dreams–their messages are about leadership and impeccability.  This morning as I left the boys, a swallow flew low overhead.  And here in this place, catbird seems to be following me around.

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In the main stairway, every time I go up and down the steps, I feel a need to greet the statue of Jesus with the open heart every time I pass him on the first floor landing.  “Hi, Jesus!”

This morning as I walked away from some contemplative time in the Cathedral of the Weeping Beech, I thought I saw a bird dying, thrashing in the grass a small distance from the gazebo.  A soft light caught the twitching, and as I walked closer, the energy did not seem to be about distress.  Suddenly it resolved in my vision into a fawn–the twitching wings were ears.  It was a small one settling in to wait for the mother, shaking the little bugs out of its eyes.

Walking this afternoon: “What makes you sad?” ask the trees.  I ask this question of myself, but somehow, it takes on new shades of meaning in their language.  I tell them all of it, how it hurts me when natural disasters happen, but that the things that make me saddest are the things the people do to hurt each other and the Earth.  Not just the intentional hurts, but the hurts born of people’s greed and lack of desire to know and to notice.

“What makes you angry?” the trees asked me then.  And many of the things were the same.  Perhaps I need to learn to differentiate better between my emotions.

Something in these questions from the trees unlocks doors within myself that I couldn’t seem to open before.

I was carrying the weight of these things with me when I reached the Mary statue, and something profound happened to me there.  I suddenly felt as though I knew about how her heart is broken again and again and again.  How she holds it all.  There she is, holding the Babe of wonder, her face filled with love for this Child of Promise.  There she is, holding the body of the young man, her son, her face filled with love and grief.  The serenity of her face holds within it the extremes of wonder and grief, love and anguish, that she knew.  She pondered these things in her heart: was she pondering how the act of opening herself to great love also opened herself to great grief?  But choosing to do it anyway, joyfully, because love is always worth it, and our hearts were made large enough and strong enough to hold it ALL.  I wept and wept and wept, holding on to her feet and looking out with her over the valley.

****

I need to keep making the story my own.

Do You Remember?

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Today’s poem is a two-fer: write about love and/or anti-love.  I usually really like his double challenges, and I try to work with the polarities.  Today’s poem, however, came out purely on the love side.  I have been re-reading my gratitude lists from this time last year, and one of those gratitudes inspired this poem, which is for my father, whom I and the bluebirds love:

I know this is true,
but it may be a secret:

The Archangel Michael is a bluebird
who gazes into your window
waiting for the moment
you walk into the room:

those clear watching eyes,
the quiet murmuring chirrup,
dip of the head and flip of the wing.

There is a girl on a swing
singing of bluebirds
and you are pushing her so high
she flies.

Gratitude List:
1. Bluebirds and you
2. Chickweed and you
3. Organizing and sorting and you
4. The farm crew and you
5. Free magazines at the library, and you

May we walk in Beauty!

Job Description

I am feeling a little uninspired, poetry-wise, these days.  There’s lots going on in my head, but this is one of those times when I walk after a thought into the green mist of my brain, and everything scatters.  When I get my hands on one rascally idea, another goes bleating by, and I lose my grip on the first while I reach to grab the next one.  I’ve lost the sheep dog for my poet-brain during these days.

This is not a bad thing.  I’ll call it incubation time, let things grow in their own way for a while, like that insufferable mile-a-minute weed out on the hillside behind the house.  One of these days, I’ll wake up the sheep dog, or pull out the weed whacker, or whatever metaphor I need to open the next new poem.

Meanwhile, dream.  Meanwhile, work and hope.  Meanwhile, rage and grow, rest and mend, edit and nurture.  Meanwhile, Love.

I have been thinking about love a lot lately.  About the friends who say, “They’re all our children,” and then take children into their home, one after another, knowing that the better they do the work of loving and tending in the moment, the more their hearts will break when the time comes to say goodbye.  And children come and find a haven.  They receive at least one bright and shining period of love and care in their lives.  These people are changing the world.

I have been thinking about the woman who opened her heart to grief, to the searing pain of listening to the way the Earth and her creatures are being destroyed.  Because of Love.  She turned all that tenderness and fierceness, that deep love and that deep rage, into powerful words.  Words like needles and thread, to stitch up all our broken hearts together.  The shattering grief has become a tool of mending and healing.  She is changing the world.

I have been thinking about people who, when faced with a tragedy or a need or a loss or a hope, somewhere in their world or community–the ones who step forward without hesitation, knowing that they have love enough and heart enough to patch the gaps, to be part of the solution.  Confidently they come forward, but humbly, too, to make the world a better place.

I wonder what difference it would make, were we to stand still in this moment, look back at the lives have lived up to this point, and call that Training.  Every terrible thing, every mistake, every good choice, all of it–it has all gone into making us the exact people we are in this moment.  We have been trained by our lives to be the people we are now.  And we’ve been chosen, every one of us, for an important job.  We have the best training life could supply.  Now we have a job description: Love.  And we might not know the exact tasks before us, but we know that we have this one skill, hard-won through our years of training, that we can apply to whatever is thrown in our path.  Love and love and love.  Though we know our hearts will break.  Though we know we’ll make more mistakes (more training!).  Though we don’t know in this moment the shape our loving will take.  And I know that whatever work I am doing for Love, you are there, doing yours too.  And I know that your work strengthens mine and gives it extra purpose, as I hope mine will do for you.

Let’s get to work!

 

Gratitude List:
1.  The scent of wild honeysuckle and multiflora rose.  I know they’re a little bossy, that they’re trying to take over the world, or at least the woods’ edge.  But they smell so sweet.
2.  Oriole.  Yes, I know, I am still obsessed with him.  In recent weeks, he’s been working on a family.  More hidden in the green of the treetops.  A little less vocal than he was when he was singing his courting songs.  But here.  And this morning while I have been writing, he came hunting through the little oak tree on the hill, a bright flicker of flame leaping from branch to branch, sun on his feathers, and then down through the viney patch on the hillside.  That bird tends my heart.
3.  Fresh Strawberries!  I have waited all year for this.
4.  Foraging on the compost pile.  A garlic scape and a large handful of lamb’s quarter leaves.
5.  The work ahead.

May we walk in Beauty!

In the Hall of the Old School

Yesterday I visited the school where I will be teaching, the school I graduated from 29 years ago.  So much is new and different.  So much is the same.  The mural of the hand holding the rainbow still brightens the stairwell (may it always be there).  The old wing still looks much like it did in my day, and it smells exactly the same as it did when I was there.  We opened the door to the classroom where I will be teaching, and one of my own teachers walked out and hugged me.  Did I dream this?  I can hardly believe this is happening.  I used to imagine it, twenty years or so ago, and here it is.

I do have recurring anxiety dreams that take place in a school.  I am trying to find the classes where I am supposed to be either studying or teaching.  I’ll spend the entire dream trying to find where I am supposed to go, going up stairs and through labyrinthine hallways.  I’m always late, sometimes at the end of a semester and realizing that I have forgotten to go to class.  Or I’ll be going to teach the first day of a class and realize that I have forgotten to get a schedule to know when and where it is.  Once, when I was teaching at Butler County Community College, I dreamed that I rushed in late to class only to see my dean teaching the class.  She said since I was always late, she’d decided to take over my schedule.  The thing I realized yesterday about it all was that the setting of the dream is always very similar to my high school alma mater.

In the past ten years, since I have taken a break from teaching, the frequency of those particular anxiety dreams has lessened.  Now that I am teaching again, I wonder if they will increase in frequency again.  And how will it be if the real setting is now overlaid on the dream setting?  And now that the reality has begun to feel so intensely like a happy dream?

Here is little poem that has nothing to do with high school or anxiety dreams:

You must have heard me prescribe hens
for a low self-opinion.
There is nothing like a little chicken worship
to make a body feel like a rock star.

But here’s the thing–
my chickens think that you
are a capital rock star, too.
“Look!” they told me this morning
when I looked in on them.
And I knew exactly
what they meant.

 

Gratitude List:
1. Love is the Answer.  Love is the Answer.  Love is the Answer.
2. That moment when we opened the door to my new classroom, and my own teacher walked out and hugged me.
3. Creating and envisioning new spaces
4. I am going to a book sale today!  I love book sales.
5. Going to vote with the kids.  As cynical as I get about whether this democratic ideal actually has any value in the oligarchy, I want my children to learn and experience the ideal with the hope that one day we will have a truer democracy, disentangled from wealth and corporate influence.  And we stopped at Turkey Hill and bought ice cream on the way home.

May we walk in Love!

Love Trumps Doctrine

In honor of civil rights activist and wise man Dr. Vincent Harding, a powerful voice for justice whom the world lost yesterday.  The form is a syllable count style called shadorma (3/5/3/3/7/5).
“Love trumps doctrine, every time.”
–Vincent Harding   (July 25, 1931-May 19, 2014)

Every time
like the ace of spades
like Grandma
like berries
in your breakfast cereal
love will trump doctrine.

The surface of this poem is sweet, and there was great gentleness in Vincent Harding, too.  But it must be noted that his deep love was connected to his work in the struggle for Civil Rights in the United States.  The love he spoke of was not only about simple tenderness, but about willfully choosing to love your enemies.  And then to live by that choice no matter what.

What are the doctrines and dogmas that I hold dear, that you cling to, that keep us from loving as we ought?  It’s just so easy for me to look at someone else and point out the way love gets shredded by creeds.  But then I let myself off the hook.  This week at least, in honor of Dr. Harding, I commit myself to focusing on my own story of intolerance, to seeking those hidden places within me where I grasp ideology more tightly than love.

 

Gratitude List:
1. People who live by love rather than dogma.
2. Even though they both kick, the occasional night when a snuggly boy joins us in bed.
3. Sorting and tidying.  Here, in the mundane realm.  Up there, in the brain.
4. Possibilities.  If the thing you are doing isn’t working the way you want it to, you can change it.  Or not.
5. Buttercups.  I followed my up-road neighbor’s lead and mowed around them.  They shine so happily at me.

May we walk in Love!

When the Heart Rises

Today’s Prompt is a Two for Tuesday prompt: Write a love poem/write an anti-love poem.

When I said to you in that dream
that the sky was wandering over the hill,
what I meant was that I knew your heart
would always find its own true pathway.

When you replied that you would stay within earshot,
even if the wind tore your voice from you,
I knew that you meant that your heart
could be shattered and still your roots would thrive.

When I told you that I would be waiting
here, on this side of the great wooden door,
I know you understood that my heart
would be listening for your rising.

When you sang of the waters of Lethe,
how you longed to drink, but turned homeward,
I knew that you had given your heart,
like a Phoenix, to the story.

 

Gratitude List:
1.  I am not alone here
2. Breeze
3. Addressing fear
4. Palo santo
5. Stories of the moon

May we walk in Beauty!

Assignment: Write a Love Poem

<Prompt: Two-fer–Write a love poem and/or an anti-love poem>

This poem says it wants to be about love.
What can I say about love
that hasn’t already been said
a thousand times,
a thousand ways?

We all know the dangers.
Here, take my heart, this crystal orb,
and hold it carefully, we say
to any scoundrel who strolls by.

Why are we always so shocked, so
shattered, when we see the scattered pieces,
the remnants strewn about?

Look into that orb, your own.
Find fury there, and hate.
Find despair and rage.
Then tell me, my friend,
when you settle into their abode,
if they are not often
simply other words for love.

The purest fury, the
most white-hot rage,
the seizing grief:
most of these would cease to be
were they not born of deepest love.

No, hate is not the opposite of love,
I say.  Love’s opposite is apathy.

So then, take heart.
Let not dismay dismay you.
That which hurts you hurts you
because your heart is deep and full,
so full, of devotion to that which you love.

2013 November 092

Gratitude List:
1.  Packing herbs at Radiance: Burdock and Dandelion roots, hyssop, pulmonaria, codonopsis, marshmallow root, spearmint, peppermint, mullein leaf, and the ever-popular damiana
2.  The new stones at the shop: Apache tears, spirit quartz, bright pink rhodonite, dream quartz, kambaba jasper, a giant smoky quartz point
3.  Lancaster City at sunset, from five stories up in the parking garage.  And the moment when the world begins to turn from violet to indigo.
4.  Listening to Layne Redmond’s Invoking Aphrodite on the drive home, toward that sparkling flower that is Venus, which is Aphrodite’s other name.  Am I going Van Gogh, or was there a bright golden ring around her this evening?
5.  Ellis’s un-self-conscious chuckle

So much Love.