Good Work, and the Gift of Grief

Gratitude List:
1. A purposeful work life.  Even when it feels overwhelming, the hard work is all to the greater purpose of developing confident and thoughtful communicators.  And even that has its own greater purpose, which is to help nurture this group of soon-to-be-adults into a deeper knowledge of how they will belong to the world, how they will make their lives their own. This is a privilege that fills my heart.
2. Grandparents who help to take care of the children while I get some of the extra work done.  A safe and caring and fun place to be, to make memories.
3. The hello part of the hello-and-goodbye cycle
4. Rain and mist
5. I don’t know quite how to word it, or how to express why I am grateful for it, but there’s something about grief that grabs my gratitude at the moment.  I just finished Barbara Kingsolver’s Flight Behavior, and it triggered some deep grieving for me.  Like the main character in that book, my own (now many years past) grief over pregnancy losses is bound up somehow with the grief over lost species and the panic I feel about environmental loss.  During the brief months of my first pregnancy, we celebrated the tender and fragile hope that perhaps the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker was not actually extinct, but making a life in the swamps of Arkansas.  My hopes for the survival of the Ivory-Bill and the monarch butterfly and the several species of African rhinoceros crumble less precipitously than did my dreams of that first pregnancy.  Still, the grief settles in a similar place within me.  Like my friend Natasha, who spent a large part of a year of intentional grieving (The Year of Black Clothing) for all the environmental and human costs of our modern way of living, I want to give the grieving space inside me, let it do the work that it has appeared to do.  Whatever that may be.

May we walk in Beauty!

Epiphany

My holiday season is Twelvenight, the time that stretches from Christmas to Epiphany, a quiet and contemplative time, time out of time, intended for the gleaning of images and words that might help me focus the unfolding of my story in the coming year.  I extend the season a little, beginning at Solstice.  Through the long nights and the waiting for light to begin to return, I watch and listen for images and words that compel me in some particular way.

Two years ago, I found myself suddenly obsessing over the word palimpsest, a strange and new word that carried the sense of layers and shadings of meaning, of old stories suddenly appearing in the middle of new stories to inform the current living.

Last year, bridge was my word–an image that appeared repeatedly to me in conversations and dreams, and a concept that became incredibly powerful to me in the meaning-making of my own life when I found myself suddenly making a major life transition, from farm and child care back to teaching.

My grab bag of images and ideas this year is full and cluttered.  Fred the cat has been in one of his agitated cycles during the past couple of weeks, frequently waking us up in the middle of the night, which leaves my head whirling with fog-skuthers of dream-images, compelling pictures that slip into my thinking space throughout the day.  I woke up one morning thinking about a student at our school, wondering if she would be in my class next semester, with an almost wild sense of protectiveness for her.  Vulture, lynx, and leopard have appeared in my dreams.  Plantain and pigweed.  Storytellers, fools, and shamans (somehow associated with the image of those magical folk from the east who decided to follow the sign of a star).  There was even a nightmare about watching a plane crash that woke me up with a pounding heart and tight breathing.  The dreams have been full and fantastical.

Out of it all, I have settled on two words that have floated to the surface of the pond of my unconscious: secrets and impeccability. I don’t really like the word secrets (I have seen unhealthy secrets destroy relationships too often), and I keep trying to change it to mysteries, but something in me thinks that the distinction may be important to explore during the coming season, particularly in the context of the word impeccability.  Perhaps it’s a step in gaining wisdom and maturity, that ability to keep one’s own council and trusting to the strength of one’s own character.  I know I have much to learn on both fronts.

What Will You Risk?

In last night’s dream
we were racing down the road
in a jaunty little car.
(Aren’t all dream-cars sort of jaunty?)

“Holy —-!”
I’m afraid I screamed
what you think I did
as we skimmed the edge
of the giant sinkhole.

“Did you see that sinkhole?
It almost swallowed us up!”
My oblivious car-mates
(Me, Me, and Me,
according to Joseph Campbell)
were not paying attention,
and Oblivious Driver Me
sped up to crest a hill
which was covered with debris.

We didn’t make it over the pile of junk
and had to back up,
had to go another way.

“Oh, well,” said Driver Me to Disapproving Me,
“at least we tried.”

In my head as I woke up,
a familiar voice was singing,
“What will you risk?”

Waiting for the Dreams

Each year, during the long nights between Winter Solstice and Epiphany, I carefully watch the dreams and pictures that appear to me, gleaning ideas and images that might be helpful to me in the coming year.  This year I am impatient.  I have been cataloging my list for the past two weeks and I want to solidify it and crystallize it.  But it’s also delightful to anticipate what these last few nights might show, so I will wait, and perhaps nudge some of my list into a poem:

While I wait for the dreams to be complete
while I sit at the feet of winter
listening

waiting for the little bell to ring
for the sound of rushing wings
for the things born in darkness
to take form
to rise up–

while a vulture flies across my window
red root and plantain nourish and heal me
a lynx crouches by a granite outcrop in the meadow
the storyteller raises her voice in a chant of longing
and a silent girl turns the corner ahead of me

I sit down to work
and sleep overtakes me:
One more vision for the road
One more message for the journey

So Much There Is

milkweedBlessings on your new year. Here is a little something:

So much there is
that cannot be told,
so much to unfold,
so many new meanings to try.

So much there is
that waits in the wings,
so many things
cannot find their sky,
that minuscule patch
of impossible blue
beyond the shadows
of this darkened room.

So many stories
have yet to be told,
so many adventures
of boldness to tell,
to live, to explore.

Open the windows,
pick up the pen,
and then tell me more,
tell me more,
tell me more!

 

Dream Big

It’s less than two hours away from 2015.  Perhaps I should be staying up with the other adventurous types and ringing in the New Year.  Instead, I am about to head to bed.  I’ll see what dreams this New Year’s Eve, this central night of Twelve Night will bring me.  Sweet Dreams to you.  Don’t be afraid to dream big dreams, to dream outrageous dreams, to dream in a thousand colors.  Make it happen this year.

Love to all!

Gratitude List:
1. Eagles, herons, vultures, Brant and Canada geese, flickers, red-bellies, robins, titmice
2. Oak, beech, holly, sweet gum, laurel, bay grass
3. Old and new, past and future, present
4. Teachers, activists, priestesses, dreamers, workers, makers, wonderers and wanderers
5. Family, old friends, new friends, acquaintances

May we walk in Beauty!  Beauty all around.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,300 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Poem: Advent 5

640px-Candle (1)

Birds are flying
in the quiet light
above the altar.

Our tears fall with the sound  of rustling wings,
the child sleeps in his mother’s arms,
and an old woman prays for the light to dawn.

For weeks now
we have walked
through our burning cities.

We have stepped carefully
among our shattered shards,
pieced our brokenness together,

and held the birds of despair and rage
captive in the cage of our hearts.

Our pens have bled anguish
onto the page.

Herod will go on
to murder Rachel’s children.

A sword will pierce your heart.

Where is the comfort
promised in the ancient songs?

Still

still

still

There is light.
There is breath.

Our pages have taken wing.
The birds fly between rays of sun
shining through sea glass
falling upon the altar.

The mother hands her baby
to the old ones for their blessing.

“Now,” sings the old man,
“now I can depart in peace.”

Gratitude List:
1. The impossible green of the moss on the bricks
2. Epiphany is coming
3. A Sunday afternoon without the Monday-ness that usually encroaches
4. Taking it one step at a time
5. Holding stories in the bowl of the heart

May we walk in Beauty!

A Poem Should Be

DSCN7423

After my long post the other day about meaning in poetry, I keep hearing Archibald MacLeish’s line in my head: “A poem should not mean but be.”

And Grace Paley’s “Responsibility.”

I am in the midst of trying to bring to birth a poem that I think might be titled “The Shaman’s Lexicon.”  Perhaps I need to write my own “Ars Poetica,” my own “Responsibility.” Getting caught up in the whirlwind of a compelling poetic idea reminds me again that despite the thought-provoking analysis of even the most careful critics, when it comes down to it, writing poetry is an art, and that like a visual artist, a poet is often following the trail of an obsessive idea.  The process is less about seeking meaning, perhaps, and more about relieving the curiosity of what lies beyond the next turning.

Gratitude List:
1. A Christmas Carol. Joss discovered Grandma Kreider’s unabridged copy with gorgeous illustrations and asked Jon to read it to him.  They spent hours with it, Jon explaining some of the denser bits and skipping some of the longer bits of of description, and finally made it through. Joss was engrossed.  I’ll admit to openly weeping when the Spirit of Christmas Future showed Scrooge the Cratchit house after the death of Tiny Tim.  I hope we can make that a tradition.  Now I am going to try to finish The Best Christmas Pageant Ever with them today.
2. Dawn in the hollow, sun shining on frost.  The chickens used to get me up and out to see it every day.  Now, most days, I am on the road before the dawn spreads her rosy fingers over the sky, and I have bequeathed the chickens to friend who will be a less distracted caretaker.  So I am grateful this morning for the wee sleekit mousie who needed repatriation in the upper fields.
3. Advice Rebound: I told a friend the other day, in that advice-giving tone that I can’t seem to make myself stop using: “You need to take a break, carve out time just for yourself.” I could feel those words bouncing back on me as I said them.
4. Dreams.  I am gleaning my dreams for the messages of the year, here in the bowl of Twelvenight.
5. The murmurings and mutterings of the children playing together in the background.

May we walk in Beauty!

Making Sense

leaves1

“A good poet tries to lead you into universal experience by leading you into the shocked concrete experience of one flower, one frog, one dog, one tree, one rooster. . . .” —Father Richard Rohr

A few weeks ago, when former US Poet Laureate Mark Strand died, I read a quotation by him about the twin streams of narrative and surrealism that are hallmarks of contemporary poetry.  For some reason, googlability and all, the exact quote eludes me, so you’ll have to trust me on the paraphrase.  My inner ears really perked up at the marriage of those two streams into one sentence, because, without trying to place myself directly into any particular style of poetry, I find myself drawn to both the narrative and the surreal in my own reading and writing.  Even the act of placing those two words into the same context–narrative AND surreal–is something of a surreal exercise itself.  The nature of narrative, of telling a story, is to make sense of a series of events.  Surrealism is a breaking up of sense, a marring of the waters of sense and meaning.

This week, I ran across Matthew Buckley Smith’s Prose Feature in 32 Poems magazine, titled “Why Poems Don’t Make Sense,” and it sent me deeper into this exploration of the meaning of meaning in poetry.  He suggests that sometimes poets engage in a cliquish game of “Keep-away,” writing with such obscure allusions (or with no definite referents at all) that only the in-crowd of poets and erudite thinkers could “get” the deeper meaning, which leaves the majority of people scratching their heads and saying they hate poetry because it doesn’t make sense, or else pretending that they really do find meaning where there is none or little to be had.  He also writes that some poets may deliberately avoid cliched and conventional patterns of meaning-making in their poetry as a way to fight the oppression of conventional thinking.

When I write poems, why do I intentionally obscure the meaning, slanting the sense into images that–depending on your personal reference points–could take on many different meanings? Why, as a reader, am I so often moved by poems that are a series of seemingly unrelated images that seem to suggest a story or an idea, but only in the spaces between the images?  I hope I am not being clubby, trying to make references that only the knowing and thoughtful in-group will understand.  I don’t think so.

His other point does resonate for me, however.  You’ll have to read his article to explore his ideas in detail, but here is my take on it.  We use language to build the structures upon which we hang our ideas.  Language is the scaffold upon which we develop whole structures of thought.  Language anchors and shapes and breathes life into thought and idea.  Conventional thinking, and conventional language, can end up being a pretty tight little box of a windowless building that doesn’t let in the light.  The air in there gets pretty stale.  When language–and its attendant ideas–become calcified and crippled into arthritic patterns, poetic image and word-use can find new ways to say things, can break windows into the walls of those airless rooms and build ornate new additions onto the old structures.  Poetry jars the cart of language out of its constricting wheel ruts.  This is why poets and writers can make good revolutionaries–if they know their work and do their jobs well.

Good poetry, I think, is more about finding your way by signposts than about following a map.  It gives readers a few cues and clues, sets us loose, and then waits for us to say, “Oh!  I recognize this territory!  I know this landscape.” A series of seemingly unrelated but compelling images can spring to life when sprinkled with the fairy dust of beautiful language or the hint of a story.  While I want to be able to understand enough of the controlling idea of a poem for it help me create some sort of sense, the most satisfying meaning that I derive from reading a good poem comes not through the intellectual front door, but through the back door of the emotions.  Meaning made through emotional connection rather than mental processing often appears in the form of wonder and holy surprise, even when it comes in a painful or angry guise.  Poetic understanding is gut-level understanding.  I have long been a fan of singer-songwriter Paul Simon.  I don’t think I know what he means about anything, but he always makes me feel something.

The sense-making in poetry is about getting behind the brain.  A poem is a door.  Sometimes poets make sturdy, locked, exclusive club doors that you can only enter if you are one of “us,” or if your can speak (or pretend to know) the password.  A really good and satisfying poem is an open and inviting doorway that frames the view in a particularly compelling way.  “Look!” it says.  “Stand and stare.  Take a deep breath.  Then tell me what you see.”

Good poetry, I think, holds a paradoxical perspective on language itself: it acknowledges the inadequacy of words to completely map an inner geography, and it also steps with reverence and awe into the sacred space that language creates between writer and reader.  Words are both inadequate and holy.