I
It was such a fine powder
that the shovel seemed like overkill
so I pulled out the leaf blower
and tethered myself to the garage
with the long orange extension cord.
In places it blew the fine particles away
from the tiny dimpled pads on a cat’s paw print
like an archaeologist’s brush,
leaving the faint foot print stubbornly intact
beside a stretch of black surface
where the heavily crushed tracks of the car
had flown away in my wind like flocks of white birds.
II
I can see clear pictures in my head
of things that happened long ago,
like catching crawcrabs in the creek
with my brother and his friends
the year I turned eight.
I can still smell the bullfrogs
that had grown from tadpoles
in my friend Jenelle’s aquarium
the summer I turned nine.
I can still taste the custard apples
we picked from the wild space
behind our house in Shirati when I was six.
I can still hear the hoot of a hyena
way off in the distance
on cool Tanzanian nights when I was five.
I cannot recall what I ate for supper last week,
nor what I told you about my journey
when I saw you at Christmas,
and I cannot remember why
I stood up just now and walked
into the other room.
What forces determine which pieces
will remain frozen to the surface,
and which will be blown away?
Why do some delicate paw prints
of the long-ago past continue
to tiptoe through my memories
while whole chunks
of yesterday’s heavy tire prints
whoosh away on the wind of time?
Yet others encounter opposing breezes
and drift back over time’s winds
to settle back in lacy veils
over the present moment.
III
What is the substance of memory?
I remember that I first met my grandmother
when I was three years old
just off the plane from Africa.
Is the image in my mind
my memory of that moment?
Or has it been blown there
by the breezes of story
told and retold in my family
of a child who ran into the arms
of a grandmother she had never met?
Perhaps it doesn’t matter.
And where now will it reside in my memory,
now that I have called it up into the present,
I who miss her so, who have a tender three-year-old
of my own, and tears in my eyes?
IV
These stories of memory are gifts
that we give to our children, saying,
You are who you are in this moment,
like this fresh landscape of new-fallen snow.
But also here in this moment you are who you were,
like the grass that stretches up through the powder.
And you are who you will be,
as the winds blow across,
constantly shifting the surface of things.
Prompt for Sunday
Thanks to Jodi Reinhart for the prompt today: Write a poem about the middle, about the anti-polarity. Oooh! You know you want to join me on this one.
Gratitude List:
1. Reiki
2. Angels everywhere
3. The delight and focus of a 6-year-old who obsesses on a craft project
4. Sun to melt the drive and roads to blackness
5. This: 
May we walk in beauty.
Reblogged this on Epreuve and commented:
…what happened long ago…
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I have no words to express how much I love this. I was pondering memory just the other night, wondering how our minds, our brains, store and connect and reconnect the fragments of our past, choosing what and when and how our history will surface.
Thank you for giving us this gift or remembering.
Michele
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I am so glad that you like it, Michele! This one seemed to be out there in the snowy air waiting to be written down. I like the way you verbalize the idea of how we store memory. Such an interesting thing to ponder.
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First Snow
I could wrap my arms around her then.
She was small. Rocking chair, diapers.
And as she grew, my arms got stronger—
I could hold her even when
she was not sure she wanted to be held.
I could hold her closely enough
to share my body heat, my dreams.
I could slip her in and out of snowsuits
and settle her gently into her father’s arms
while I got the camera.
It was her first snow.
She did not know what to think
of how soft, how very cold, her face
a round echo of wonder and her eyes
looking up at him, at me, at the cats
on the porch who set their paws briefly
down and then quickly washed them
clean with gentle, rough tongues.
The love that fills my chest
when I see his face we can no longer
touch gazing down at her, his arms
wrapping her small body in warmth
and her one small hand escaping
the mittens again, the love that lives
in her eyes when she knows
simply, from this sight, how very much
he loved her, this love, his love?
This love is like surgery.
It slices open my belly to remove
my resistance and sews me back up
with thousands of stitches,
sends me to bed to heal.
I rest there a while, aching,
wishing for more medicine,
some painkiller that would truly take
this away. But the only remedy
I can find is to look again, and again,
her big eyes looking back at me
and his gaze turned to her, sheltering
these fragile beginnings, her first
smile, her first step, her first leap
into the unknown without him.
This love is like scissors
that could cut the cord holding her to me
and slice open her swaddling clothes,
lay her back
on my belly
where she once grew.
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So moving. Thank you, Mara. I am so grateful for you in my life.
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